Being submissive during sex can open up a whole new world of exciting, kinky experiences. When you learn how to properly submit to your partner, you give them the gift of control while freeing yourself to experience new pleasures.
However, becoming a submissive requires understanding yourself, communicating with your partner, and maintaining some control even when you relinquish control. There are also practices, accessories, and mindsets that can help you achieve the headspace of submission.
Let’s explore what being submissive means, how to bring it up to your partner, submissive accessories and attire, and roleplaying ideas. With this guide, you’ll have a better idea of how to be an excellent submissive and steer your sex life toward more intense satisfaction.
What Being Submissive Means
At its core, being submissive in the bedroom means giving up some control and power to your partner, who takes on the dominant role. However, you get to choose how this power exchange takes place. Your partner cannot force you into submission against your will. You gift your submission to your partner.
You can be:
- Physically submissive – allowing your partner to bind, spank, or otherwise exert control over your body.
- Sexually submissive – letting your partner decide when, how, and whether you get sexual satisfaction.
- Mentally submissive – entering an obedient, pleasing mindset. This may include private rituals and rules for interacting with your dominant partner.
- Verbally submissive – addressing your partner with honorifics like “Sir” or “Mistress.”
- Lifestyle submissive – extending the power dynamic beyond the bedroom into aspects of your daily life and relationship.
No matter the flavor of submission you prefer, the key elements are consent, trust, and communication between you and your partner.
Trust and Consent Are Essential
The most important thing for exploring obedience is for both partners to trust each other. You have to believe that your dominant will follow your strict rules and end the scene if you say “safe word.” If you want to be with someone, they have to trust that you will tell them what you need and not just do what they want.
One way to build trust is through clear consent. Discuss any submission play before you try it, not in the heat of the moment. Consent should be informed – you both understand the risks and rewards – and enthusiastic. Neither partner should feel pressured.
A “yes” under duress is not true consent. Healthy BDSM relationships allow both partners to freely state their interests, curiosities, limits, and boundaries.
Communication Is Vital
Communication keeps your exploration of submission on track. Ongoing discussions allow you to talk about what’s working, what isn’t, and where you both want to go next. Don’t be afraid to speak up!
Good communication habits include:
- Negotiating scenes – Discuss activities, boundaries, safety precautions, and aftercare needs before a scene. Don’t start intense BDSM until you’ve built trust.
- Using safe words – Agree on words or gestures to pause or stop a scene if anyone’s emotional or physical limits are approached. Respect safe words.
- Providing feedback – Share what you liked, disliked, wanted more or less of after play. Adjust based on this feedback.
- Checking in regularly – Set times to talk about the relationship and dynamic outside of sexual scenarios.
The submissive partner must communicate their needs, interests, limits, fears, and experiences. The dominant partner should encourage this communication without judgement.
Maintaining Your Agency as a Submissive
Giving your power to your partner can be freeing. However, you aren’t completely powerless as a submissive. Submission requires trust on both sides and the ability to withdraw consent.
You maintain agency and control in several key ways:
- Setting hard limits – Be clear about what you never want to try. Do not compromise here.
- Using your safe word – Don’t be afraid to speak up during an intense scene. Pause or stop play if needed.
- Seeking support – Stay connected to friends, family, and the BDSM community. Don’t become isolated.
- Leaving unhealthy situations – If a relationship becomes abusive rather than consensual, leave.
- Topping from the bottom – Communicate your desires. Guide play towards things you enjoy.
- Taking breaks – Step back if you need time to reset mentally, emotionally, or physically.
True submission requires self-awareness and confidence. Submissives understand their needs and set the expectation that those needs will be respected. Healthy BDSM relationships should empower you.
Bringing Up Submission With Your Partner
It might feel awkward or embarrassing to talk about the wish to give up. But you need to be able to talk clearly to explore submission in a safe, mutually agreeable way. Here are some ways to break the subject:
Explain Why You’re Interested
Rather than just saying you want to “try BDSM,” explain what appeals to you about submission, such as:
- Feeling cared for or even “used” for their enjoyment
- Pleasuring your partner and getting positive feedback
- The intensity and escapism of power exchange
- Bondage, impact play, and other sensations
- Ritualistic protocols and acts of service
- Adrenaline rushes from relinquishing control
Paint a clear picture for your partner of what you want to explore. Be specific about activities or dynamics you’re curious about.
Suggest Gradual Exploration
Don’t feel you have to go all-in immediately! Especially if your partner is inexperienced with domination, suggest exploring submission slowly:
- Start with lighter bondage using silky restraints before ropes or chains.
- Begin with erotic spanking by hand before trying toys and gear.
- Roleplay softer dominance/submission dynamics at first.
- Ask them to give you sensual commands before strict orders.
- Follow protocols or rituals for a date night before implementing 24/7.
Test the waters before diving into the deep end of submission. Build trust and confidence through lower-stakes play at first.
Emphasize the Benefits for Your Partner
Many people assume submission is all about the submissive partner’s enjoyment. But explain how domination can be pleasurable, empowering, and confidence-boosting for your partner as well. Shared reward builds a strong foundation.
For example, describe how much you want to please them, that seeing you submit will stoke their ego, and that dominating you requires their skill and attention. Paint submission as a gift you want to give them.
Suggest Outside Resources
If your partner is hesitant, point them to websites, books, and videos on ethical domination. Seeing other people explore submission in a healthy way can put their mind at ease.
Recommend your partner research:
- Negotiating scenes, limits, safewords, and aftercare
- Dominant mindsets and attitudes
- bondage ties, impact play techniques, and other skills
- Roleplaying scenarios, protocols, and power exchange
The right resources can convert a reluctant partner into an enthusiastic ally!
Accessories and Attire For Submissives
Clothing and accessories can help you achieve the right submissive mindset and enhance power exchange scenes. Consider incorporating:
Restraints
Bondage restraints restrict your range of motion so you cannot resist your partner’s will. Beginner bondage accessories include:
- Cuffs – Restrain wrists and ankles. Leather, neoprene, and fur cuffs provide comfort.
- Spreader bars – Bars with cuffs at either end keep arms or legs spread apart.
- Bed restraints – Straps go under the mattress to hold arms or legs in place.
- Rope – Useful for intricate Shibari bondage. Start with softer nylon or cotton ropes.
- Tape – Bondage or PVC tape sticks to itself. Provides temporary restraint.
Gags
Gags keep the submissive partner quiet. Some popular options:
- Ball gags – A strap holds a ball in the mouth to muffle noises. Allows breathing.
- Cleave gags – A cloth tied between or stuffed into the teeth. Can also be an scarf or bandana.
- Muzzle gags – Leather or rubber masks with mouth openings that limit speech.
- Ring gags – A ring shaped like the letter O which keeps the mouth open.
Gags should allow for circulation and safety. Never cover the nose or impede breathing.
Blindfolds
Blindfolds remove sight so the submissive relies on their dominant’s guidance. Blindfold materials include:
- Sleep masks – Basic blindfolds that are comfortable and adjustable.
- Scarves and cloth – Readily available, but may become loose. Use a knot safely away from eyes.
- Leather – Sturdier than cloth. Look for a comfortable fit with total eye coverage.
Collars
A collar symbolizes the submissive’s role and their relationship with the dominant. Collar types include:
- Play collars – Only worn during BDSM scenes for temporary submission.
- Permanent collars – Worn constantly as a symbol of an ongoing power dynamic.
- Protection collars – Indicate the submissive is owned/protected by their dominant.
- Training collars – Show a dominant is training the submissive.
- Reward collars – Given by dominants to show a sub’s progress or privilege.
- Smart collars – High-tech collars allow remote control, tracking, or communication.
A sub may have several collars for different relationships, purposes, and stages of training.
Other Attire
Beyond restraints, gags, and collars, some other submissive accessories include:
- Lingerie – Garters, corsets, stockings, and sexy sets emphasize vulnerability.
- High heels – Heels tilt the pelvis to accentuate curves. Makes movement more difficult.
- Pet play gear – Ears, tails, paw gloves, knee pads give a puppy/kitten persona.
- Uniforms – Maid, nurse, cheerleader outfits reinforce roleplaying dynamics.
Mindset and Rituals
Clothing and tools can help achieve submission, but mindset is just as important. Training, protocols, and mindfulness can strengthen the roles and power dynamic. Common practices include:
- Meditation – Clear the mind and let go of outside responsibilities before a scene.
- Prayer – Spiritual submissives may pray to get into a humble mindset before service.
- Mantras – Repeat phrases like “I submit completely” or “I exist to serve.”
- Rituals – Perform symbolic acts showing your submission, like kneeling when greeting your dominant.
- Protocols – Follow rules for interactions such as waiting for permission to speak, keeping your eyes lowered, or walking behind your dominant.
- Submission journaling – Write down your emotions, epiphanies, favorite moments, and progress.
Regular rituals and mindfulness exercises can deepen your submission during intimate encounters.
Service and Tests of Submission
Beyond the bedroom, many submissives enjoy tests of obedience and service to their dominant. Tests and service rituals could include:
- Cooking meals, cleaning, or performing other domestic service.
- Following instructions for self-care like skincare, exercise, and grooming.
- Wearing or using toys to keep ready for sex at any time.
- Holding stress positions for periods of time.
- Enduring challenges like cold showers or spicy food.
- Finishing tasks and reporting back by a deadline.
- Sending photos wearing required outfits or poses when apart.
Acts of service and “trials” reinforce devotion. Dominants often reward good behavior with praise (or physical attention).
Some submissives even enjoy punishments or “funishments” for failing tasks! This teaches better obedience in the future.
Submissive Labels and Names
Many submissives go by titles or nicknames indicating their role. Examples include:
- Slave – Total submission. Owned fully by the dominant.
- Sub – Generic term for a submissive partner.
- Pet – Animal roleplaying submissive. Usually a puppy, kitten, or pony.
- Baby girl/boy – Plays up ageplay dynamic.
- Good girl/boy – Implies eager to please.
- Toy – An object for the dominant’s sexual use.
- Cocksucker/cumslut – Highlights oral service.
The right label can help get you into a submissive headspace.
Submissive Body Language
Adopting submissive postures and mannerisms also helps set the tone. Examples of submissive body language include:
- Kneeling – Get on your knees in front of your dominant when greeting them or receiving orders.
- Presenting – Bend over with legs spread to offer holes for use. Can also lie on your back and lift hips or spread legs.
- Bowing – Bow your head to your dominant as a sign of respect and deference.
- Lowered eyes – Keep your gaze downward unless given permission to make eye contact.
- Clasped hands – Keep hands folded politely in front or behind to resist tempting touches.
- Offered wrists – Hold out wrists ready to be bound or cuffed.
- Stress positions – Pose in tiring positions awaiting next command, such as kneeling with your hands behind your head.
Safe Words
Don’t forget to establish safe words before play! Safe words allow you to slow down or stop the action at any time without breaking character. Examples include:
- Red – Stop immediately.
- Yellow – Slow down, I’m close to my limit.
- Green – Keep going, everything’s good!
The “traffic light” safe word system is easy to remember even in the heat of a scene. However, some people prefer random unrelated words such as “pineapple” or “banana” for stop and “turtle” or “river” for slow down. Agree on your safe words upfront.
Roleplaying Ideas for Dom/Sub Scenes
Roleplaying fantasies allow you to immerse yourselves in the dominant/submissive dynamic. Here are some hot D/s roleplay ideas to try with your partner:
Student and Teacher
The forbidden fantasy of seducing the sexy professor or being punished after class by the stern headmistress. Possible scenes include:
- Getting spanked over the teacher’s desk for failing grades.
- Staying after class for private tutoring that gets hands-on.
- Getting caught passing a naughty note and being made an example.
- Trading sex for a better grade.
Take on the roles of nerdy schoolgirl, cocky transfer student, strict teacher, principled professor, or bratty slacker.
Boss/Manager and Employee
Whether it’s the demanding boss and overworked secretary, manager and service staff member, or casting agent and aspiring model, workplace power dynamics easily translate to dom/sub roles. Scene ideas:
- Getting summoned to the boss’ office for an attitude adjustment.
- Working hard to earn a promotion or bonus.
- Filming a naughty audition tape to get ahead.
- Being a kept woman/man who sexual entertains clients.
- Office fling between manager and intern.
Businesswear such as suits and pencil skirts helps set the scene.
Doctor or Nurse and Patient
Hospital fantasies take advantage of intimate exams and the vulnerability of wearing a gown. Some scenarios include:
- Naughty nurse takes advantage of a helpless patient.
- Doctor performs an intimate exam that gets inappropriate.
- Orderly punishes a rude patient.
- Patient has to sexually persuade the doctor to approve a procedure.
- Visitor gets locked in overnight and taken by the night staff.
Break out the scrubs, stethoscope, or lab coat and get ready to play doctor!
Police Officer and Criminal
Cop scenarios are popular for their built-in power differential. Try these ideas:
- Crooked cop extorts sexual favors.
- Criminal seduces the cop sent to arrest them.
- Suspect gets frisked and cavity searched.
- Guilty prisoner negotiates privileges and perks.
- Interrogator extracts a confession through sexual coercion.
Get the handcuffs and badge ready for an evening of criminal play!
Guardian and Ward
Whether you’re an exasperated babysitter, paternal figure, or caregiver with a bratty charge, ageplay can be thrilling. Scenarios can include:
- Disobeying your babysitter or guardian’s rules earns punishment.
- Ward tries to seduce their stern caretaker.
- Testing boundaries and acting out leads to discipline.
- Little girl/boy wants to prove they’re a grownup now.
Lean into little girl charm or juvenile delinquent attitude for this dynamic.
Master and Servant
Serve your Master or Mistress by acting out these storylines:
- New chambermaid is taught her duties through sensual instructions.
- Becoming the Master’s groomed pleasure pet.
- Butler attends to every intimate need.
- Houseboy performs demeaning chores and sexual favors.
- Maid has a punishment quota to fill each day.
Bondage, commands, and service amp up the submission. Don traditional servant uniforms or BDSM gear like collars and cuffs.
Customer and Prostitute
From streetwalking to brothels to high-end escorts, transactional fantasies are adaptable to many levels of submission:
- Hooking on the corner and getting picked up.
- Being taken roughly by a stranger at a hotel
- Earning enough money to pay your pimp.
- Being a kept courtesan pampered for your skills.
- Blackmailing a client after a forbidden affair.
Fishnets, lingerie, and stiletto heels help sell the fantasy. Set the scene at a hotel, in the car, or design your own brothel backdrop.
Military Superior and Subordinate
Domination and submission are built into ranks and rules of military forces, making this a natural fit for D/s play:
- New recruit is shown the ropes through hard training.
- Soldier sexually entertains officers to get ahead.
- Prisoner is interrogated for intel through sex.
- Deserter is captured and punished brutally.
- Soldier is rewarded for excellent performance.
Camo, dog tags, and combat boots add authenticity. Address your partner by rank for full immersion.
Coach and Athlete
Explore the dynamics between coaches and athletes with these steamy scenarios:
- Track star will do anything to make it to nationals.
- Athlete is willing to take performance enhancing “supplements.”
- Brutal post-game punishment for poor performance.
- Doing extra training to get in shape for the season.
- Injured player depends on coach’s “healing touch.”
Spandex, gym shorts, and towels help set the locker room mood.
Introducing Your Partner to Domination
You may have a willing partner who just needs guidance on how to dominate you. Here are tips for gently bringing out their dominant side:
Suggest lower-pressure situations first
Jumping into intense sadomasochism may intimidate someone new to domination. Ease them in with lighter D/s activities such as giving sensual commands or orders during regular sex. Being the sexually assertive partner can help them get comfortable wielding power.
Praise small steps
Don’t expect expert-level domination immediately. Provide positive feedback and encouragement for any display of dominance, even something as simple as authoritative body language or grabbing your hair during sex. Praise will reinforce these behaviors.
Share domination inspiration
Point your partner to erotic stories, porn, guides, and videos of domination basics. Seeing confident dominants in action can inspire beginners. Recommend educational kink content, not unrealistic extremes.
Define your submission clearly
Discuss your fantasies and desires surrounding submission. Specify the types of domination that appeal to you – pain, bondage, humiliation, service, etc. The clearer your vision, the easier it is for your partner to help fulfill it. Don’t expect them to read your mind!
Plan your first scene together
Walk your partner through planning your first domination scene to build their confidence: Choose activities, safewords, props, and flow. Discuss aftercare. Collaborative planning gives them ideas and helps set expectations.
Start subtle
Agree to start slow and subtly with domination. For example, focus on confident commands or roleplaying softer power dynamics before adding intense bondage, pain, or punishment. Sexy outfits and dominating dirty talk are also lower-key entry points.
Provide encouraging feedback
Reassure your partner you find their dominance sexy and share specific things you enjoyed. Submissives also provide subtle feedback by reacting positively to treatment you enjoy. Moan, smile, and thank them.
Keep iterating
Check in with your partner after each intimate encounter to see what worked for them and what didn’t in the dominant role. Provide feedback on how they can hone domination to better fulfill your submission.
With patience and guidance from you, even shy partners can gain the confidence and skillset to rule the bedroom!
How to Be an Excellent Submissive
Being a submissive can look very different depending on the relationship, preferences, and scene. However, some overarching principles apply to being a good submissive.
Consent Wholeheartedly
Only agree to activities, relationships, and power dynamics that you genuinely want and consent to without coercion. Healthy power exchange begins with mutual enthusiastic consent, not reluctant agreement.
Communicate Your Needs
Share your desires, curiosities, concerns, limits, and feedback. You must communicate clearly for a dominant to properly lead and fulfill you. This allows you both to get the most out of your dynamic.
Embrace Service
Good submissives enjoy any opportunity to please and serve their dominant. Service doesn’t just mean sex acts; domestic service, personal care, and lightening their load shows your devotion.
Exhibit Manners and Respect
Well-mannered submissives help create the proper D/s dynamic. Be polite and respectful in your interactions, using honorifics and protocols you’ve both agreed to.
Trust and Obey
The submissive obeys the dominant’s commands within negotiated limits because they trust their dominant’s leadership. But remember, total obedience is earned through care, not demanded.
Appreciate Discipline
Accept punishments and “funishments” gracefully, viewing them as opportunities to reflect, grow, and become better rather than rejecting discipline.
Practice Mindfulness
Work on your mindset continuously through reflection, meditation, journaling, and immersive rituals. Skilled submissives enter subspace easily and maintain a submissive headspace.
Prioritize Self-Care
Take care of your physical and mental health. Submission requires alertness. Self-care also shows a dominant you value their investment in you.
Give Honest Feedback
Provide genuine respectful feedback on what satisfies you and what doesn’t. You are helping your dominant become better just as they help you improve.
The path to excellent submission begins with consent, care, trust, mindfulness, and communication. With this foundation, your sexual exploration will thrive!
How to Submit Without Giving Up Agency
Paradoxically, you must maintain a sense of agency and self-worth in order to healthily and safely hand over your power. Never completely relinquish your autonomy.
Set Clear Limits
Know your hard and soft limits. Hard limits are firmly off the table – never compromise here. For example, many submissives limit bodily waste play. Discuss limits clearly.
Create a Safe Word
Insist on establishing a safe word before play. Then don’t hesitate using your safe word during an intense scene if you become overwhelmed physically or emotionally.
Stay Socially Connected
Don’t become isolated from friends, family, and your community. Maintaining strong social bonds outside the relationship protects against abuse.
Retain Financial Independence
If practical, keep control of your own bank accounts and income streams. Financial dependence makes it hard to exit an unhealthy dynamic.
Take Time for Yourself
Make space for self-care, hobbies, and time with other people apart from your dominant. Prioritize fun and recharging.
Leave Abusive Situations
A caring dominant will understand if you need to walk away due to mistreatment or loss of trust. No D/s dynamic is worth enduring abuse.
Top From the Bottom
Push play in the directions you want through subtle encouragement and feedback to a caring dominant. You lead while following.
Submission is not about being powerless – it is choosing to surrender power within defined limits and revoking consent if your needs are ignored. You remain in control.
Warning Signs of an Unsafe BDSM Partner
Unfortunately, not every dominant has your best interests at heart. Keep an eye out for these red flags:
- Ignoring your safe word or negotiated limits
- Isolating you from your normal support system
- Pushing you to consent to activities you aren’t comfortable with
- Refusing to allow aftercare time after an intense scene
- Insulting, belittling, or humiliating you outside of negotiated play
- Mistreating you while drunk or on drugs
- Ignoring your emotional/physical needs
- Monopolizing all your time and attention
- Monitoring your communications or tracking you
- Pressuring you to cut ties with the BDSM community
- Blaming you when mistakes are made
- Discouraging open communication
- Refusing to use protection or get STI tests
- Rushing the relationship or dynamic too quickly
The basis of BDSM is mutual care, trust, and enthusiastic consent. Toxic dominants prioritize their own gratification over your safety. Watch for any of these red flags.
And remember, submissives always have the power to withdraw consent and walk away. A good dominant will understand if the relationship becomes unhealthy. Prioritize your wellbeing.
How to Switch Roles From Submissive to Dominant
BDSM roles aren’t set in stone – you can explore your dominant side too! Switching adds variety and new discoveries.
Learn New Skills
Study up on domination skills like bondage, impact play, commanding presence, and planning scenes. Gain confidence in your abilities.
Discuss Role Reversal
Talk to your submissive partner about taking turns with dominance and submission. Often long-term partners enjoy switching periodically.
Unleash Your Inner Dominatrix
Everyone has a touch of dominance inside. Let your spontaneous dominant side out during lower-stakes play at first, like taking control during regular sex by getting on top or giving commands.
Set the Scene
To help get into the right headspace, use props, costumes, and a setting that screams domination such as a throne, dungeon, or your office after hours.
Give Commands
Practice being more verbally dominant by giving your partner direct yet sensual commands during sex. For example, order them to kiss your feet or have them kneel before you.
Incorporate Orgasm Control
A simple way to start exercising dominance is telling your partner when they can or cannot orgasm. Force them to ask permission or make them wait.
Explore Impact Play
Work your way up from lighter sensation play like pinching, biting, and spanking by hand to toys like crops, paddles, and whips for more bite.
Restrain Your Partner
Tie them up using bondage rope, handcuffs, under-the-bed ties, or even a necktie. Tease and torment them while they cannot resist.
Discover New Kinks
Explore fresh kinks from the dominant side that you love as a submissive, such as foot worship, puppy play, or forced dressing.
Discuss your partner’s favorite sub activities and try them as the dom. Get creative combining your own favorite kinks too!
The most important tip is maintaining trust and communication, just as you would expect from a good dominant. Never force your partner to submit.
Answering Common Questions About Submission
Why would anyone want to submit during sex?
People submit for many reasons unrelated to trauma or mental illness. For some, relinquishing control relieves stress. Others crave feeling sexually used or get off on pain with sex. Submission can provide intimacy, self-growth, and escape. The psychological motives are complex and deeply personal.
How common are submissive desires?
Very! Studies show the majority of women and men fantasize about BDSM themes of dominance and submission. 10-20% or more actively participate in BDSM activities at least occasionally. However, fewer regularly practice submissive roles compared to those who simply fantasize about the idea of submitting.
What if my partner wants me submissive but I don’t want to?
You should never feel pressured into any sexual activity you aren’t interested in. Explain your boundaries and offer alternatives you do feel comfortable with, whether that’s lighter D/s play or not having a power dynamic during sex. If a partner cannot respect your limits, reconsider the relationship.
What if I want to submit but my partner refuses to dominate me?
Some compromise is usually possible. Have honest conversations about your desires, concerns, and interests in submission. You may be able to gently guide them into more dominance by praise, encouragement, and starting small. If you ultimately have incompatible needs, you may have to seek fulfillment elsewhere.
Do I have to wear latex and follow a strict protocol to be submissive?
Not at all! You absolutely get to pick and choose the accessories and rituals that appeal to you. Don’t do anything that makes you feel silly or uncomfortable just because you think you “must” as a submissive. Healthy power exchange works within your limits.
How can I submit safely?
Insist on clear negotiations, safe words, aftercare, limits, regular check-ins and start slow. Research activities thoroughly before trying them. Stay sober; incapacitation prevents safe communication.
And remember you always hold the power to withdraw consent and halt play if you feel endangered physically or emotionally by a trusted partner who ignores your needs.
In Conclusion
Submission requires self-awareness, communication skills, trust, and setting clear boundaries. While surrendering control appeals to many people’s fantasies, you must first lay the groundwork of consent. Take things slowly until you’ve built trust and know your own needs and limits.
Despite the allure of total power exchange, it takes time to find the flavors of submission that work for you and your partner. Not every technique in this guide needs to be part of your dynamic. Build the domination/submission dynamic that suits both your needs.
At its core, erotic submission simply means choosing to relinquish some control and power to your trusted partner – and that can lead to incredible sexual adventures, unbreakable intimacy, and mind-blowing sex. Have fun exploring!